


Absence

by judyhard1ng



Category: Star Trek: The Next Generation
Genre: Bi-Curiosity, F/F, Pining, Questioning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-07
Updated: 2020-10-07
Packaged: 2021-03-07 21:00:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,022
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26884033
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/judyhard1ng/pseuds/judyhard1ng
Summary: Beverly thought that she had made the right decision leaving Odan behind. But after some internal debates, seeing Odan again throws her heart into question.-x-For Trektober Day 7! Prompt: Inter-Species Relationship
Relationships: Beverly Crusher/Odan
Comments: 2
Kudos: 9
Collections: Trektober 2020





	Absence

**Author's Note:**

  * For [estherroberts](https://archiveofourown.org/users/estherroberts/gifts), [butane_bloodstain](https://archiveofourown.org/users/butane_bloodstain/gifts).



> hey loves! we all know the infamous tweet from the queen Gates herself about the Host being a femslash episode, albeit with Deanna. we do stan, and it inspired the interspecies pairing i chose for today! make sure to wear your mask and have a snack today :)
> 
> <3 heath

_ Humans can’t handle changes like this.  _ The last words that Beverly had said to Odan were still ringing in her ears more than 5 hours later. She was lying in her bed and staring at her ceiling, her face stained with tears. At first, she had been confident in her decision. It had still hurt to say goodbye, but nonetheless she knew it was the right thing to do.

But as she had tried to fall asleep that night, the doubt had surfaced. Beverly couldn't put words to it because she was simply confused. She had thought that her life as CMO couldn’t also handle the turbulence of a long distance relationship in which her partner would outlive her for years, potentially millenia. That was hard to wrap her head around.

There was also the fact that Beverly wasn’t sure anymore if she was right. She even thought she could be lying to herself. She thought back to all the moments in her life where change had flown naturally. When she was dating Jack, she went from seeing him long distance as he was on a mission to being assigned to his ship and seeing him there while doing her field training to seeing him long distance as she did her residency to seeing him in San Francisco for maternity leave to seeing him long distance again while having to juggle Wesley.

The constant changes in her relationship with Jack were not dissimilar to the ones that would occur with Odan.  _ So why did I lie? _ Beverly rolled over, clutching her pillow to her face as she tried to avoid the answer:  _ Because at that moment, the possibility of being attracted to women made itself apparent. _

When Odan had walked into her office as a woman, Beverly had been somewhat shocked. When Odan spoke, Beverly’s heart had raced hearing her voice. When Odan touched her hand, the tingling of her fingers and the flushing of her face had momentarily led her to forget her rational thought. And when her brain told her that Odan was a woman, she spouted her line about change and Odan had left. But not without a kiss to the palm. Beverly held her palm in front of her face in bed. She could almost feel where Odan’s lips had brushed against her skin, infusing her with a serenity that she had always seeked him--her? out for. 

She let her hand drop, sighing to herself. She had never had to question who she loved. She liked boys, they liked her, and she had thoroughly enjoyed any kind of contact with them when it occurred. She had never really given thought to girls given how young she had been when she had met Jack and how shy she was overall when she was a teenager.

She rolled over again, her restless thoughts affecting her body. Was it possible that she could love Odan as a woman? She had always assumed Jack would be her husband, and when he had died she hadn’t been ready for love again from anyone for a very long time. She felt a few more tears fall. It was probably due to the fact that she had repressed most of her emotions so deep after Jack’s death that she now wasn’t sure.

She thought back to the moment in the office. How could one simple moment, one little kiss, make her feel the same way she felt with Odan’s previous host? It had been hard for her to accept that a small worm contained the emotional prowess to fall in love with a human. Could she herself be falling in love with a worm? 

It was uncomfortable for her to imagine that the worm that possessed this love for her was lurking inside someone else. She didn’t know if she could ever be comfortable knowing she was sharing herself intimately with two different creatures at once. But again, the moment in her office nudged her mentally. She had known fully how Trill worked, and she had known what Odan’s future would entail. Yet the kiss from Odan had overwhelmed her just like it used to. When Kareel’s eyes had softened and gazed into hers even though it was Odan who felt the love, she could not help but know inside that both of them loved her deeply.

And the change had certainly not held her back from kissing her best friend. The memories of her fingers stroking his beard, his hands holding her waist, and her lips on his neck filled her with shame. Yet if she could do these actions more readily with someone who was clearly only a friend than with an entity who only loved her romantically, something else was stopping her.

Beverly groaned out loud as she let herself admit it. She was lying to herself. She wanted to see how Kareel made her feel, but she was scared. If she was attracted to Kareel, she would wonder if Jack had been too quick. She would be angry at herself that she didn’t let potential sexual curiosity blossom. She would be scared that she had been lying to herself for the majority of her life. She would be afraid of discovering the potential of being bisexual so late in her life. 

She knew, somewhere, that sexuality is fluid, and that it’s a journey for most people to come to terms with it. Beverly was back to staring at the ceiling. She could not help but wonder if suppressing all her emotions was her way of lying to herself, or just genuine fear that caused her to be unaware of her sexuality. She could not help but wonder if she was attracted to women. If she could be. And she could not help but wonder if now was too late.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Beverly could not help but wonder if Odan would be at the conference. While the Enterprise was docked for maintenance, she had decided to attend the yearly medical roundup, an open conference that lasted a week. New species to the Federation gave talks about their biology, any discoveries made within the Federation were presented, and the free mic hours invited doctors to talk about truly fascinating experiences they had had so far.

Since the Enterprise had found out the reason for the Trill’s secrecy and shyness two years ago, they had issued a statement about the government meetings they were holding in order to decide whether or not to join the Federation. While Beverly had felt guilty for a while that people who reacted to Trill like she had were probably the reason the Trill were hesitant to join the Federation, there had been a message of gratitude from the homeworld that commemorated the Enterprise on their acceptance and overall warm attitudes. 

About three months ago, the Trill had joined the Federation officially. Since then, there had been a rather expectant buzz among Beverly’s medical friends about finally learning the intricacies of Trill biology. Upon learning that she had been on the ship that discovered Trill biology, Beverly had had to politely decline almost 200 requests to discuss her findings.

While she had overcome her hesitations about Odan by then, and in fact had stopped missing her deeply, Beverly still felt it was not her place to betray the privacy of any Trill. Now, as she waited in the line that was slowly trickling into the large athenaeum, she wondered if Kareel had been selected to speak. She fanned herself slightly as the thought of seeing Odan again sent a small flash of heat to her cheeks.

After many weeks of turmoil similar to her all nighter, she had slowly accepted that she might never see Odan again anyway. She had resolved herself to deciding that Odan had been special, and that was it. Someone handed her a small disposable tablet that had the program for the speakers on it. She nodded in thanks and found a seat in the middle, smiling at the room. Seeing esteemed academics, doctors, and scientists all in one room to explore the possibilities and developments of medicine put a bigger smile on her face than anything else could.

Someone tapped her shoulder and she spun to see a young looking Andorian with bright eyes and a sleek green jumpsuit. 

“You’re Doctor Crusher, right? From the Enterprise?” Beverly nodded, a little surprised, and the Andorian sat next to her eagerly.

“So you met the Trill right? Are you excited for the talk about it?”

Beverly was pleasantly surprised at this and said, “I wasn’t aware the Trill had decided to commit to a presentation.” 

The Andorian said, “Look at your tablet!” She was about to say something more when she noticed something behind Beverly’s head. “My friends are calling me. It was nice to meet you!” She ran away, and Beverly felt like her smile was glued to her face as the room filled with a similar buzz from hundreds of people.

_ That was some meeting. You didn’t even learn her name. _ She laughed to herself as she clicked through the tablet distractedly, thinking,  _ I remember when I was that young. _ She was almost at the page that the table of contents had mentioned, and when she opened it, her breath caught.

**_Trill Biology: A Comprehensive Introduction and Analysis_ **

**_Speaker: Kareel Odan_ **

Beverly’s head shot up subconsciously, but she shook her head at herself knowing the presenters were waiting backstage. She couldn’t ignore how fast her heart was beating, nor the immediate fire that had taken to her cheeks. She forced her breathing to slow. She was going to get to see Odan. The way she had ended things between them had left her very confused, and her heart was looking to Odan for answers.

The conference leading up to Odan’s section somewhat ashamed Beverly, as she caught herself wondering about Odan for most of the presentations. Finally, the speaker on the stage finished and introduced Odan.

People began to clap as Odan walked on stage, and Beverly smiled widely as she saw Odan step up to the podium. Her hair was pulled into two buns and she was wearing a simple blue dress that almost matched the color of Beverly’s lab coat.

‘Thank you,” Odan said, and Beverly felt a shiver run down her spine as she heard that voice again. Kareel had a deeper voice than most women, and the inflections were so similar to Odan that she could not help but feel the stirrings of some attraction within.

“As I am sure you know, Trill biology was first introduced to the Federation on the flagship, the Enterprise. I am grateful for the tact that they showed that allows me to stand here today. I-” Kareel’s eyes, which had been glancing out at the room at different angles as she looked up from her paper, had landed on Beverly. Kareel inhaled slightly, and the mic picked it up, thrusting it through the silence into Beverly’s heart.

Her stomach tingled she smiled at Odan, feeling tears beginning to form as her eyes stung. Kareel’s mouth had fallen open slightly, and she coughed, glancing at her paper again before saying, “I-. I am excited to explain the hosting process and how it affects the medicines of our planet.”

As Odan continued to speak, Beverly clutched her sweater tightly and looked down at her lap, giving herself a moment to inhale deeply. A thousand thoughts were cluttering her head of talking to Odan after the day’s presentations.  _ What to say? Apologize first? Or talk about being glad to see her? Or start off with her presentation?  _ She took one last deep breath and decided to focus on Odan’s talk as she was genuinely interested.  _ The words will come to you.  _

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Beverly approached the forum room, a place for post-presentation discussions with the speakers and high ranking medical officials. Beverly hated the fact that open discussions were barred to students, but she supposed she understood the wish to prevent the presenters from being overwhelmed. She snorted to herself realizing that with Odan, that wish would be far from granted.

She stepped into the room and glanced around, her eyes landing on Kareel standing towards the back, seemingly alone. She felt tears rise to her eyes again and blinked them away, fidgeting with her sleeves as she approached Odan. “Odan,” she said, and Odan looked up.

As their eyes met again, Beverly felt as if she had been stuffed inside a seashell, the room’s chaos falling away to a dull echo. Kareel’s eyes were so close to Odan’s in shade that she couldn't help but be captivated. Her hair was down now, falling over her shoulder and just above one of her eyebrows. 

“Beverly Crusher,” Odan said, and hearing her name on Kareel’s lips, Beverly felt her stomach twist. 

She said, “Odan, I...I’m so sorry-” She began to cry, tears flowing down her cheeks rapidly. Kareel’s face fell to concern and she indicated a back door. 

“We need to speak in private.” Leading her through the crowd, Kareel cleared a path politely while Beverly glanced at the floor, using her hair to shield her face as she tried in vain to stop crying. Once they were in a quiet hallway, Kareel said, “I’m going to take us to the presenters lounge. Are you okay?” 

Beverly gulped a sob down and said in a raspy voice, “I just didn’t expect I’d be so happy to see you. And feel so guilty.” Odan smiled sadly but said nothing, her head seeming similarly busy with thoughts. 

The two finally arrived in the lounge and Beverly sank into a chair, still sniffling. Kareel had begun to cry a little as well, and Beverly felt her stomach twist again. She cleared her throat and said, “Odan, it’s so good to see you, but I also feel terrible. I...I lied to you. I was scared of admitting so many things to myself that I fell back on a half truth. But I’ve been thinking over the past two years, and eventually I forced myself to move on. But seeing you today has brought back everything good about our relationship, and the only bad associations I had were with my own actions. I missed you. I missed you a lot, and knowing I could see you today...I’m not sure how to describe how I feel.”

Kareel wiped her eyes and a small smile flickered onto her face. “Beverly Crusher, you have stayed in my thoughts as well. I let my love for you fade as life presented me with more present priorities, but seeing you in that room was one of the first things that has made me halt a speech in all of my lifetimes.”

Beverly chuckled and said, “I thought you being a woman would be an issue for me. To be honest, I don’t know for sure whether it still might be. But the way you looked at me...I can’t ignore my heart.”

Kareel shifted closer to her on the couch and whispered, “Neither can I.” Beverly’s cheeks scorched along to the heat in her heart as Kareel wound her fingers into auburn hair, pulling her face closer. Beverly closed her eyes and as their lips met, the burning sensation filled her chest and her throat. Rational thoughts were pushed aside as a deep sensation of home filled her.

She couldn’t really put another word to it. Kissing Odan again brought back the sensations that had enveloped her when they first kissed. She felt right back on the Enterprise two years ago, when they had been immersed in each other and each other’s happiness. She ran her hands down Kareel’s sides and felt the sides of her breasts brush under her palms. It suddenly sent a shock to her system, an odd feeling in her chest that caused her to break the kiss off.

Kareel looked concerned, breathing hard and gently taking her hands off Beverly. “Beverly? I understand if you’re not okay with this anymore. I-”

“No, Odan, it’s not that I’m not okay with kissing you. I just...when I touched you, it felt wrong and it shocked me because kissing you felt so right.”

Kareel took her hand gently and said, “Beverly, the kind of love you are comfortable with is not a boundary I would ever push. Trill are very fluid, and for millennia we have understood the difference between romance and more...sexual contact. It’s okay if only one works for you. For me, that has never gotten in the way of a relationship, and for someone as special as you, it never would.” 

Beverly smiled softly. “I guess that was my worry about seeing you again. I wondered how I could love you, and I was scared that I had been somehow repressing my bisexuality, or something like that.”

Kareel furrowed her brows. “Bisexuality?”

Beverly nodded. “It’s an earth term for someone attracted to more than one gender. But, it’s used when that person is comfortable having sex with more than one kind of genitalia. I suppose…” she swallowed. Coming out to herself over the past few years had been guesses, thoughts that wandered into her head and were promptly banished. But here, on this couch, a former flame had kindled the truth.

“I’m-I’m...I’m biromantic.” Odan was still confused, and Beverly chuckled and said, “That just means the attraction to more than one gender is only romantic, because my sexual preference is only males.” 

Kareel nodded and said, “I understand Beverly. You never have to be afraid of who you are with me. I will never question how our love is exchanged. We share a truly intimate bond that surpasses the need for definition. Beverly felt tears rise in her eyes again. She didn’t have to lie to herself anymore. 

She still felt somewhat confused about how her heart and body were reacting to different kinds of love, but in that moment as Odan kissed her tears away, she knew that she would figure it out. After all, it was a journey.

**Author's Note:**

> 5 songs for writing today:
> 
> Be Alright by Ariana Grande  
> Oh to Be In Love by Kate Bush  
> Something for Your M.I.N.D. by Superorganism  
> Seven Devils by Florence + the Machine  
> I Heard by Elliot Moss


End file.
